Edgewise: Women in meetings

Have you ever heard the stereotype that women talk too much? I’ve wondered about that a lot as I’ve been surrounded by men, throughout my life, that don’t really let anyone get a word in edgewise, even other men. At home and in business, I’ve had to learn to get my ideas out in as few words as possible so that they might get heard before a man interrupts me. This has definitely had an impact on my relationships with women, however. I get with a friend, and sometimes my little inner voice of sanity tries to get me to shut up, but I just keep word vomiting like I haven’t spoken in a month.

I remember one gathering of individuals, mostly men, who had talked the entire evening. At one point, late in the evening, I interjected an opinion. It seemed to irritate the men - not what I thought, but that I had actually spoken. The conversation turned to how women can never shut up. At that point in my life (I was in my mid-twenties), I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself and demand they tell me any other moment in the whole evening that I had spoken. So instead, I left the room and basically learned the lesson that most men would not want to hear what I had to say.

Throughout my professional career, I’ve had two distinct experiences. The majority of women I work with have sometimes started off being surprised, even a little offended, by the fact that I would offer ideas in meetings in a confident way, occasionally being the first to speak when input was asked for. However, very soon, most women by far would start to talk to me privately about how much they respected me and how, once they got to know me, they realized how intent I was on collaboration and building up the team. It’s a deeply bonding experience.

On the other hand, most of the men I have worked with have either just laughed me off as though my ideas weren’t relevant or have taken me aside, knowing I was a good person and wanting to help. They tell me that I need to be more quiet in meetings, that I’m coming off as pushy, aggressive, and not very lady-like. One of the biggest talks I’ve ever been given came after a meeting where I only said two things, but both times, they were good ideas that got some attention.

As men tend to be in management positions, the male perspective that women should be quiet in meetings, only speak when directly asked to, and that women should maintain a diminutive posture at all times has really been a challenge for me. I’ve been trying to figure out how to be an equal in professional settings, but this has been a long and, sometimes devastating road. I was raised to believe that if someone had a negative impression of me, they were right, and I needed to seriously consider the criticism and figure out how to change. This had led me to become more and more fearful throughout my professional career and in my former marriage.

But a few years ago, I decided that I was tired of having to figure out how to be both invisible and make a valuable contribution. I began to sit up to the table in meetings, add constructive content when I felt it was appropriate, and speak eyeball to eyeball with my male colleagues. I had a lot to learn. I didn’t do well a lot of the time. Years of being angry kept seeping out into my communications as overly stern, emotionless, and forceful communications. I might have gotten away with it if I were a man, but no one would have liked it.

I had to figure out how to be more of a team player in a way that brought the ideas of others. I had to learn to listen better, and I had to learn how not to be so hard on myself when I screwed up. I’m still working on all of this. But, the big picture is that I’m gaining confidence, and I’m giving both women and men the opportunity to think through what a truly equal, participation environment looks like. I may not do it all perfectly, but that’s ok. I can keep trying and figuring things out along the way. Perfection is way overrated anyway.

One wonderful outcome of this learning is that I’ve begun to have better experiences with some of the men I’ve worked with. Whether I was sitting in stifled silence or trying to bully my ideas into a meeting, I was very selfishly focused. As I learned better to play team, I found that some of the men really wanted that environment as well. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to hear my ideas. It was that I needed to learn how to help the meetings I was in be a more balanced field for all involved. Then, not only my ideas could get out there, but so could those of others, women and men alike.

So, yes, I need confidence and to bring my thoughts out in the open, but it is just as important that others have that same chance. Try to notice the dynamic of your next meeting. See if you can find opportunities to help someone else be heard. You may find that this one thing opens the door for you to share as well.