Mary Taylor Moore was My Hero
For those of you too young to know who I’m talking about, this blog will still be useful. Basically, pick any vagina owner that has shown you that vagina owners are strong, capable, intelligent people that don’t have to be like a man to validate their existence. That was my favorite childhood tv character/show, Mary Taylor Moore, for me.
As a character, Mary was strong, independent, had a job, and people listened to her when she spoke. I thought that was amazing, and I wanted to be just like her. Little did I know that even in my 40s, I’d still be combatting the idea that a woman who spoke up in meetings, wanted to lead, and had ambition was still thought of as “too much.”
In 2016, at a contract job I had taken for a year, I was called to the office of my boss to be told that the three times I had spoken in a meeting were too much. I was being pushy, according to my boss, by offering ideas when the group was asked for them. The other women at the table said nothing during the meeting. So every other thing said was by the men. My three things were too much, but they got to carry the entire rest of the meeting. How exactly does that work?
I was taught as a child how to sit, stand, talk, dress, and act like a “lady.” Knees together, shoulders back, head up, unless of course a “lady” is talking with a man. Then it is important to soften your stance just a bit. Otherwise you come off as overly confident and pushy, and we wouldn’t want that.
I read Lean In by Sherryl Sandberg not long after it came out. By chapter three, I was so angry about all that I had simply accepted about being a “woman”, a vagina owner, that I went to the head of the children’s camp my kids attended and asked him to read the book. I thought it would help him be a better boss and more in tune with the rising generation in the camp’s care. His response was that he’d been getting too many calls from other moms saying the same thing. He said that he already had enough strong women in his life with his wife and mother-in-law and had no desire to read about another. He knew all he needed to know about girls and women, and he walked away from me. He was younger than I, and I had assumed that would make him more open minded. My bad.
I had this kind of experience over and over. I would ask men to read the book, and they would tell me they had no interest. I was told by several men, and women, that the book was full of lies designed to make women uppity. It was 2014. How did so many people still have the impression that not only did men rule everything, but that was just fine, thank you? Women who want to run things are suspect. That’s just not natural. They are labeled as aggressive, unpleasant, or even bitches. Really? Why? Because they own a vagina? That’s just wrong.
Yes, things are changing, getting better, but there is still so much farther to go. I shouldn’t have to fold my hands, bow my head a bit, slouch, speak quietly and only after having apologized or asked permission, just to get the vague acceptance of the men, and yes many of the women, in the room. So, my question is, how resilient am I? How many times can I be told to sit down and be quiet before I actually will? The best answer I’ve had so far is that my resilience needs work. I start off strong, but the negative feedback can get to me.
I’ve wondered, in the past, that if some people think I’m “too much,” are they correct? No, not if I want to help things change. I want intelligence, drive, passion, and more to be as celebrated in vagina owners as they are in penis owners. I guess I’ll keep being gloriously too much until people start getting used to the idea that my private parts have nothing to do with anything that bosses or colleagues should get a vote on or have an opinion about. What’s in my boxers has nothing to do with my intelligence, capability, or my right to speak. If I’m at the table, I’ve got just as much right to offering ideas and solutions as anyone else at that same table. Period.