Parenting From the Spectrum
I have three amazing, now adult, children. I had no idea about the more expansive truths of Autism and ADHD, let alone the fact that my kids and I are loaded with both. I was so miseducated on what to look for and how to help. The struggles we had were many, and most were totally unnecessary if we’d had the proper help and training. But even now that I understand my own neurodiversity so much better, I still find being a parent an intense combination of wonderful and awful.
With the different executive function challenges I have, the extra anxiety of trying to understand relationships, and the way I can keep trying the same tactic without understanding why it’s failing, my kids have always needed to understand that I’m just me. They shouldn’t take me personally. I’m doing the best I can, and sometimes that’s not very good. I’m deeply grateful that each one of them has grown to know I love them and will do whatever I know how and can do to support and help them. They also know that I have tendencies that they may need to avoid for their own wellbeing.
I’m extremely anxious about my children’s wellbeing. It does not matter how old they get. I’d be happiest if we all lived together forever, and none of them ever left the house. That would also be horrible, because I don’t do well in groups. I need quiet, space, and no movement of myself or anything else for some amount of time every day. The more people live in the house, the less likely it is that I’ll get that kind of mental and physical silence.
That was extra hard when the children were little. I have sensory issues. I love people and will often feel able to give and receive a hug, but for the most part, they must be very short, and then I want to back up significantly. Even standing or sitting close to someone can be very difficult. Children tend to want attention; verbal, mental, and physical. Three children can want all of that all at once. Oh my, it was so hard to remain pleasant with all the touching, noise, questions, needs, and more. I would often close my eyes, shrink into my body, and tell the children they had to back up, not touch me, leave the room, or whatever else I thought I needed at the time. Those poor kids didn’t understand. They were just trying to feel loved and have their needs met.
Often I felt unable to sit and read stories or play. Helping them with their homework could challenge just about every bit of me. I loved (and still do) my children so much it almost hurt, and I felt so bad at parenting. Before I understood my neurodiversity, I could not understand how I could love these wonderful people so much and yet feel like I needed to be away from them often.
If any of this sounds familiar, there is help. You can learn new skills for balancing the needs of parenting with your own needs as a person. You can also learn how to ask for help and from whom. There are many parenting support groups online. Most of them are about raising neurodivergent children, but there are some for parents on the spectrum or with ADHD. Additionally, coaching and counseling are wonderful ways to work through your challenges and learn new skills.
You don’t have to parent alone, and it is totally ok to love your kids and not love parenting. Get help so that you can find more calm and enjoyment being a parent, and in your life just being you.
Stay tuned for my upcoming book on parenting from the spectrum. In the meantime, you may enjoy my current book, My Dramatic and Inappropriate Neuroawesome Life.