I'm enough

My early memories have some sweet moments of my mom making a picnic and taking my brother and me out on the row boat to the island. That sounds grander than it is. The pond in our side yard was about an acre big, and the island was about 20 feet in diameter, and I loved every inch of it. The island was tree covered and felt like a world all unto itself.

Anyway, whether it was time on the island or across the street to the stream, when I was very little, before I started school, there were creative, wonderful moments with my mom. Then my dad’s business went bankrupt, and they both started working nearly 24/7. The mood changed at home. Both of my parents worked incredibly hard to stay afloat.  I have never known anyone who worked as hard at being “good” people as my parents did. I owe a lot of what I really like about myself to their example.

What went wrong for me, though, was that their stress and fear loomed large at home. Regardless of what they wanted to portray, I felt judged, put down, and either too much or not enough. Those feelings grew with bullying in high school and with my first marriage. Some bosses and acquaintances added to the negative impression I had of myself. People would say I wasn’t good enough in some way, and I believed all of it.

After my divorce, I started to feel like maybe it wasn’t always me. Maybe those who put me down had their own issues that clouded how they saw me. Maybe that is the way it always is. People can’t really like or dislike me. They can only relate or not relate, and I will have control over some of that, but probably not very much.

So, who do I work to please? How do I have friends? How do I feel like I am enough?

I’ve watched and analyzed people for as long as I can remember. I’ve known some people who chose to take a “Fuck You!” attitude where what others think doesn’t matter. But these people have seemed unhappy. Their attempts to mask their desire to be approved of aren’t really working. It’s just making them more and more sad and angry. Then there are those who don’t care what others think, and they are content, free. They are able to be themselves without resentment.

I could be wrong, but the difference seems to be that the first people have believed their detractors, and the second have not. Somehow, the second group of people have an ability to like themselves no matter what anyone else thinks. But they also seem to be able to let others be themselves. They don’t have big judgments about others. They “live and let live.”

I’ve worked hard over the last few years to clear out as many judgments of others as I can. I don’t want to think that someone isn’t dressed right or doesn’t use the English language just right, or doesn’t know enough, or is wrong in some way. I haven’t gotten rid of all of my judgments, but the more of them that legitimately leave, the better off I am.

As much as I’ve always wanted to have no prejudices, subtly, over time, they crept in. I started noticing in college. I didn’t like the thoughts in my head. I wanted to see the beauty in everyone. I never wanted to be the source of rejection in anyone’s life. I don’t want to do to others what I had experienced. 

Being human and fallible seemed unacceptable traits throughout much of my life. It’s been hard to let myself be human and to not try desperately to live up to someone else’s ideas of what I should be. I’m not fully there yet, but I will be. The increased sense of self-care and freedom has been so worth the effort.

I know that who I am at my core is awesome. There may not be throngs of people who can relate to me, but why should that matter? I’ll be content with those who can. They exist, and I am profoundly grateful for each one of them. And as I find my own sense of confidence and grace, and am more able to offer that to others.